Rat Removal

Last year, some time, I heard the pitter patter of little feet in my house in the suburbs. As my youngest is now a teenager and my wife, while a petite flower does not have feet that pittar or patter, I knew we had a rodent problem. I have been in houses with mouse problems in the past and after listening closely a few times, concluded that the pitter patter was a little more like cattle and signaled something larger than a mouse. A few weeks later my beloved said “I think I heard a mouse last night”. “Oh” I replied earnestly, “where?” “In the basement around the heating system”, she replied, “would you take care of it? Stepping up to my husbandly duties, I readily agreed and promised I would pick up some mouse poison and traps the next day.”. Also fulfilling my husbandly duties, I did not disclose that I thought it was more likely a rat than a mouse. Our wedded vows include something about always being truthful with each other, but includes a clause that allows for deception in the case of large rodents. I knew that, if I expressed my concern, my wife would still be running to this day.

To keep the record straight, I have nothing against rats, unless they are non-pet types and are in my house without an invitation. Some rats make excellent pets and are known to be clean and affection. (see Cute Rat-Picture #1).

The rats I am discussing here, however, are not the cute furry, loving little creatures in this picture but much larger, aggressive, disease carrying vermin. (See Nasty Rat-Picture #2)

My suspicions were confirmed a few nights later, when , working late in my basement office, I heard some noise over by the heating system. Looking up, I came eye to eye with two healthy specimens of the Norwegian rat family. Reading their little rat minds I could tell they were saying (in their best DeNiro imitations) “You talkin' to me?”Ask any skilled exterminator and they will agree, rats have attitude; serious wise guy, South Boston, street tough attitude. Naturally I replied in my best Clint Eastwood imitation “Do you feel lucky, punks?” They scattered and the hunt was on.

What follows is a step by step procedure for ridding your house or apartment of a rat, based on my careful field research and trial.

Ingredients:

One human, non squeamish

One 2 x 4 piece of wood, chest high when standing on end

One dog

Gloves (optional)

Boots (optional)

Roxie, our Black Lab was already following the rats' scent and would get excited whenever she encountered their smell in the house. One afternoon, she got particularly excited upstairs in the hall by our bedrooms. Although I could not see our furry friend, I knew Roxie had spotted him in the linen closet. Roxie then charged into my youngest son's bedroom. With my son (13 at the time) safely in the den downstairs I closed the door of the room and stepped out of the house and onto our deck where I kept some spare wood. Grabbing a nice size 2x4, I went back inside and entered the room, closing the door behind me. Roxie was on point at the closet. A few things I should mention before proceeding: you should probably put on boots (sturdy, over the calf type) for protection. For those of you who want to turn this into an Extreme Sport, open toed sandals, preferable sports type will do. Sturdy work gloves are probably also a good idea but again if you are more adventurous, they are optional.

***Caution***

This next section is not for the squeamish as it involves bashing a small furry creature with a stick.

Step One: Position yourself in a corner of the room, preferably by the door. The creature will stick to the perimeter of the room avoiding open areas and may try to exit the way they came in.

Step Two: Wait for the dog to flush the rat from the closet. At some point, the rat will try to make a break for it, if there is no other way out and will sprint around the perimeter of the room.

Step Three: When the rat appears at your feet, raise the piece of wood a foot or two from the floor and strike downward, with considerable force, on the rat. Repeat until rat is no longer moving. Try not to think about anything else other then ridding your home of disease carrying vermin. If you think about cute furry rodents you will not be able to complete the task.

Step Four: keep your body in between the rat carcass and your dog as your dog will probably want to play with their new “toy”.

Step Five: touching the tail only, remove the rate from your home and place carcass in sturdy refuse receptacle. Optional: show carcass to teenage boy who will think it is “awesome”.

Step Six: clean rat bashing area with disinfectant.

Caution!!!

Do not, under any circumstances, describe this procedure to your wife. Tell her only that the rodent problem has been taken care of. This falls under the Rodent Don't Ask, Don't Tell Rule in your marriage contract.

Good luck and happy hunting.